Hiya beautiful sorry didn't write this morning not slept and rushing to get Emma sorted then been shopping for paint and more Christmas presents still think of U all the time though that never changes. Just think inhad U here and now I don't and dont know where the middle part is the realisation the heart wrenching feeling the emptiness thats taken over everything not just the fact ur not here but the thoughts the memories ur things the pictures all the babies I see knes that sound like U n have ginger hair n the first steps just a life time I had we had with you to now nothing nut memories and the fact that every days the same just empty and pointless and just has no emotion to it to ever feel happy or any enjoyment in anything, becuase i really dont care anymore Loubie nothings the same and i know it will never change. I just hope that U know how much i utterly love you with all of my heart and i hate myself for you going and not knowing i feel like its my fault so how can i be selfish and feel that cos it is my fault I will change places with U in an instant to be gone and U to be here,the only thing that makes any right out of this is that one day i will be with you againand hold U again then that will be the happiest day of my life when i know im coming to you again. I hope ur smiling and having loads of fun your too beautiful for this horrible place and deserve so much better than this and a rubbish mum like me maybe thats why i just dont know vecuae no matter what i think it just doesn't make sense. I love you with all my heart and soul and every breath that i have i treasure every moment i have with you and memory and heart beat and smile i remember i remember everything about you and miss you sooooooooooooo much. Please stay close to mummy i need you and thats not fair nut i do i really need you x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x